Sunday, April 19, 2009


Emotions are a bitch. One of the toughest things I've endured over the last few weeks is the feeling on uncertainty. When are we going? Where we going? What happens if one of us gets shot? How will I react if I get shot or hit by an IED. Will I pull the trigger when I am staring down the barrel of a Russian made AK-47. How will I react, that's the million dollar question. I am not scared of doing my duty, but I am petrified of the unknown. Not knowing how I am going to react the first time I am getting shot at is tearing me up inside. I would like to think that I am a going to keep a cool head, execute some fancy tactic that I am trained to execute and move on to complete the mission, but not knowing is a bitch. I do know that I don't want to be the idiot that pisses his pants. The number one thing I have learned in the military is to embrace the unknown.

I do know I love serving my country. I do know I don't want to die doing it. I do not want to be another name on a wall somewhere. I want to return to the States and life a happy life. I know I want to get married someday, I know I want kids, a nice job and a big house. I do not even know if I'll be back in one piece, physically and mentally. My buddies that have been to Iraqistan tell me PTSD is a bitch.

Preparing to go to war is the emotional. Emotional unknowns are the most difficult to deal with. How will I feel after after I've been shot at or after I have pulled the trigger myself. Lately I've been experiencing the full spectrum of human emotion and I haven't even left the States yet. I don't need my shitfaced buddies telling me, "Hey man don't go over and try to be a hero." Fuck them, I know what I got myself into, I love serving my country. They can stay home play video games, get up every morning drink their coffee and go to their job, if they still even have one. I will defend every one's right to call me a fucking baby killer, even after my buddy just lost his job because he has missed to much work due to military obligations. His employer can go fuck himself too. I don't need my mom telling me how she does not want to lose me. Fuck, I do not need to think about these things, I just want to live my life as I see fit. I do not need everyone questioning why I live the life I lead.

It's a powerful burden to carry but someone has to carry it.